Failure

I can’t make my daughter feel better.

I can’t make her understand how to subtract integers.

I can’t get caught up at work because I missed 2 weeks taking my daughter to an out-of-state rehab clinic.

I can’t get either of the 2 children’s hospitals in my town to schedule an mri for her. They won’t even return my calls.

I can’t get my husband to help me or her with anything!

I can’t get my own personal prescription for high blood pressure refilled bc the pharmacy says I need a doctor’s authorization and my doctor says that they already submitted it. So, stalemate!

I feel like I’m on the verge of losing it.

My schedule today was literally back-to-back taking care of everyone else but myself since the moment my alarm went off at 5am.

I got up. Made my daughter’s breakfast and packed her lunch for school. Did her physical therapy exercises with her. Drove her to school. Started work-work meetings. Some were stacked on top of each other so I had to juggle them simultaneously – such a stress! Didn’t eat breakfast or lunch since I had so much to do. Survived off of coffee and cola and candy.

My husband was home today, basically lounging around. Today is one of his “travel days” that he likes to scam his workplace out of. He claims that he is traveling and can’t work but really he is at home taking a day off. He does this at least every other week. And he pretty much made himself comfortable on the couch and watched tv the whole time.

My daughter got home from school on the bus around 4. I did more physical therapy exercises with her and I helped her finish the rest of her homework for the day. I asked my husband to help her study for her integers test tomorrow and I went back to work-work for another couple hours.

Around 7 I took a break from work-work and found the entire family – daughter, adult stepson, and husband around the tv WAITING for me to make them dinner.

I made them dinner, ticked off about it the whole entire time. Because nobody here ever makes ME dinner. And also, they weren’t doing anything else.

After dinner I did more physical therapy exercises with my daughter. She can’t do them herself and she needs to do them at least 3x a day. I asked if she finished studying her integers and she said no bc her dad didn’t help her with them.

He’s back on the couch watching tv now. I start helping her with her integers and she’s NOT getting it. I’m getting more and more ticked off because nobody is helping me.

I’m not angry with her. I’m angry that my husband doesn’t help me at all. But I know that she feels like I’m angry with her and that makes me even more upset.

Now it’s 9pm and she’s still not understanding. My husband is watching YouTube videos on the couch. I’m about to have a meltdown bc nobody is helping me. I basically sent her to bed and told her we’ll study more in the morning.

Now I’m upstairs typing this up bc I need a sanity check. I also have about 2-3 more hours of work-work to catch up on.

I can’t keep this up.

13 Replies to “Failure”

  1. I can’t like this because it makes me so sad for you. I wish you had more help. I wish your daughter was diagnosed, treated and on the road to recovery. I wish you could communicate your need for help and be heard by the person who is there and able to help. I’m lighting a candle for you in hopes that you can a way through everything on your agenda.

  2. I’m so sorry that you’re having such a rough time. Like Kristie, I can’t like this post either. But boy, I really do feel for you. How I can relate to the lazy husband who lacks empathy and cares about himself. How I can relate to the frustrations and the uneasiness of not knowing. How I too am on the verge of having a meltdown d/t constant pain post surgery that’s unmanageable. I wish there was something that I could do to help you. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can find me on WhatsApp. It’s the easiest way to reach me. I can give you my number if you would like.

  3. That is rough… there’s a lot stacked up for you to handle on your own and and couch slouch should be doing so much more.
    You’re not a failure though… you’re the hero.

  4. Say you’re playing a game where you get points for correct answers and points taken away for wrong answers (Jeopardy, for example). Suppose you get an answer wrong, so they take away points and your score is negative. But then the judges decide that the question was unfairly worded, so they take away those negative points. That would make your score go up.

    Taking away negative points makes your score go up.

    In other words, subtracting is the same as adding the opposite.

    I had never heard it illustrated that way until I was an adult. I don’t know if that will make sense to you or your daughter, but it was worth a try. I have a similiarly long list of burdens on my plate right now, first and foremost that I didn’t sleep last night because it’s close to 90 degrees in the house and my air conditioner finally died and it’ll probably be months before I can get a new one.

  5. My heart goes out to you, Pepper! Is there anyone else around who could help? A friend, neighbor, or college student? I have called on college students to help me and found they will often work for home cooked meals and family time. Since you’re cooking anyway… maybe they could help your daughter with exercise and homework while you cook? I’m praying you will find some relief somehow!

  6. Sending you hugs…you are awesome and dedicated. Please know that your daughter will understand integers soon. Your hard work will pay off. I can imagine how frustrated you are and angry too. Ack, I’d be fuming, but getting upset only worsens the attitude.
    I can only send you virtual hugs and a cheer that you are a great mom!!

  7. It does sound like an untenable situation and it sounds like something may have to give. I’ve felt a bit like this (obviously very different situations, of course) since the start of the pandemic. It also made me (and still makes, as I’m still too frigging busy, all while ill), feel a little resentful. I’ve not had time to look after myself, my health and mental health have suffered as a result, I just want a damn break! I want to watch TV or read a book in the afternoon. But nope. It bubbles up and boils over. I don’t know if there’s any way of you speaking to your husband to explain a little of how you feel and ask he does a little more because otherwise you’ll be worn down and NOTHING will get done without you. Whatever you choose to do, please know we’re all here thinking of you and sending lots of love xxxxxx

    Caz x

    PS. You are NOT a failure or failing at anything. Please see earlier comment on your last post. xxxx

    1. You described this so well, Caz! I do feel ALOT resentful, and I do hold it all in until it’s too late and boil over too. I don’t have any hope that things will get any better for me. I just have to power-through it. 🙁

  8. No, dear Pepper, you can’t keep this up because it isn’t healthy for you. I have been there (minus the daughter PT) and it’s unfathomable how we survive the disrespect that continues to mount up as we keep going, doing for others and not speaking up. I never wanted to be divorced, but he left and while I mourned the loss for a long time, I have grown so much since then and I am much happier without the constraints that bound me when I didn’t feel heard, or seen, or respected. I longed for a joint effort in the marriage and the family situation, but I couldn’t get him to understand. I stopped asking for help and expecting that he’d step up. Then he decided to go and I let him…I never asked him back. While I live a different life financially now, I am so much happier.

    1. Oh gosh, I’m sorry you’ve experienced similar. It’s so terrible, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. That’s exactly where I am now – I stopped asking for help and don’t expect anything from him. I kinda wish that he would leave. I’m so glad to hear that you are much happier now! 🙂

Leave a Reply